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#Myuniexperience by Anonymous Part 2

If you missed part 1, check it out here and then come back  and continue the story.

ChristianitySex-21Before we had sex, he had asked me to be his girl friend. I refused. I told him I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. After we had sex a few times, I asked him if I could be his girlfriend now. In my head, that would make the shame and disappointment I already felt more bearable. But he said no. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship.

A few weeks later, his attitude towards me changed, he barely called me or came to visit me anymore. I thought if I cooked for him or bought him gifts, and maybe gave him my body some more he would come back to me, but it didn’t change anything. I started seeing him around campus with different girls and there were rumours that he now had a new girlfriend.
I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I felt guilt and shame but when he came around, I still gave him my body. I felt like if I had already given my body once, there was no reason to stop now. After all, there was nothing to save for the future or anything to deal with.

God sometimes spoke to me to remind me of his love and for me to come back to him. But the voice of condemnation was what I chose to listen to.

All this time, I was dealing with shame and guilt. I couldn’t talk to anyone about the situation because in there eyes I was a really good Christian girl who went to church every Sunday and was a part of Christian fellowships on campus. I felt so empty inside. Even when I went to church, there was always this heavy burden on me. I could hardly connect with God any more. I was scared, alone and ashamed and this affected my grades.

I sought love and attention and gave my body in exchange for it. After a while, I felt so convicted I knew I had to repent. I think this was because I was still serving in church and on campus fellowship. I repented, asked God for mercy and cut off contact with my sexual partner. I opened up to a friend I met via twitter, and he prayed for me and counselled me. I felt too ashamed to open up to the people around me because I didn’t want to feel judged.

Even after I had repented, and made things right with God, I still had to deal with shame and guilt. The sins of my past held me back from totally surrendering to God, and I constantly felt like I wasn’t good enough.

I also couldn’t forgive myself. I never imagined that I would lose my virginity to a total stranger. I never ever thought that I would be that person to give away my body and beg for the attention of a man. There were days when I would just go home and cry and cry and cry. I was so ashamed of myself, and I hated my body.

For almost a year, I struggled with really low self image, low self confidence and low self esteem. I would do anything to be accepted and get attention from people. And most times, it was from the wrong people.

I had repented and rededicated my life to Christ, but there were remnants of my past that I still had to deal with.  I knew God loved me, but I couldn’t forgive myself. I couldn’t accept the love of God.

However, It became easier the more I studied God’s word and prayed. I also had to come to terms with the fact that I had to forgive myself and let go of my own mistakes, accept God’s love, learn from mistake and move on.

However, It became easier the more I studied God’s word and prayed. I also had to come to terms with the fact that I had to forgive myself and let go of my own mistakes, accept God’s love, learn from mistake and move on.

During one of the sessions at Radical youth (Christian fellowship on campuses across the UK) weekend away 2015, they called out people who were struggling to forgive someone from the past. I stepped forward. The person I had to forgive was my former self.  After the prayer that day, I felt like a heavy burden had been taken off from my shoulders. I loved and accepted myself more and I truly felt like my relationship with God had been fully restored.

The reason I am sharing this story anonymously is not because I still struggle with shame. A lot of people reading this will know who I am because I have shared it with them. The reason I am doing this anonymously is because I have learnt to be careful with whom I am transparent especially on issues like this.

To be continued… Read Part 3 HERE

By Anonymous.

*The author of this post wanted to be anonymous for reasons best known to her.

**Every part of this post is true although some names have been changed or removed to ensure anonymity.

***If you have any questions for the author of this post, please contact hello@livelystones.co.uk

We want to share your experiences with others so they can learn from you. Send your stories to support@livelystones.co.uk

Update by Yemisi Ajeojo (03/03/2016)

*I first shared this story  here on 12/09/2015 under the title of ‘anonymous’ for reasons already stated. During my prayer time on 03/03/2016, the Holy spirit told me to not hide under the name ‘anonymous’ anymore.  I am happy to discuss this story further and answer any questions you may have. Thank you for reading :)

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Yemisi Ajeojo

Yemisi is the founder and director of Lively Stones UK. She is a 21 years old aspiring social entrepreneur and graduate of Accounting for management from Aston University. She is a living testimony of how much God's love can transform a person.
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