I recently graduated from University and my graduation was the best day of my 3 years at Uni. I was finally done. No more coursework, no more deadlines, no more sleepless nights at the library. All that was over! I was so excited to start working, earning money and earnestly preparing for the future that I had mapped out in my mind, have my own media business etc.
It is now a couple of months after my graduation and things, are not going according to my plans. My close friends have jobs, they are either working or doing their Master’s at the moment. Whereas, I am at home. Chilling. Over the past couple of weeks, there has been an ever increasing feeling of frustration, anger and irritation.
I have found that in my quiet moments I have been projecting my frustrations on my relationship with God and it’s causing a strain.
You know those moments, when you feel like God has abandoned you and He doesn’t care. He isn’t speaking and you are just there in your pride, refusing to humble yourself and just pray. You know, you’re not where you are meant to be but for some strange reason, you have become blinded to fact that you’re not where you used to be. You compare and compare yourself to that friend that seems to have everything going for her. You, at some point, just manage to get yourself out of that rot and try to get involved with other projects but they end up crashing.
You get an internship and finally everything is going according to plan. Finally. Everything can start falling into line, my plans can begin to come to life. And then God speaks and the first thing He tells you is: “Leave your job.”
And you are not sure if you heard right. That must be Satan right there, that can’t be God. So you ask again and again He tells you, Leave your job. And you ask again and again He says: Leave your job.
In your mind you are trying to understand, what is going on? How can I possibly leave this job, just like that?
They haven’t done anything to me and they treat me very nicely. I’m not leaving.
All of a sudden things starts to go left, you realise that your place of work is kind of dodgy and it would be silly for you to stay and so you leave.You wind up back in the silent season. You get job offers but there is no peace so you are back to the anger, frustration and irritation.
That, ladies and gentlemen, was/is my season. I know I haven’t gotten out of this season, however I want to talk about it.
There are several scriptures that come to mind when I think about where I am right now.
There are many plans in a man’s heart,
Nevertheless the LORD’s counsel—that will stand.
– Proverbs 19: 21
He has made everything beautiful in its time.
– Ecclesiastes 3:11
Then the LORD answered me and said:
“Write the vision
And make it plain on tablets,
That he may run who reads it.
3 For the vision is yet for an appointed time;
But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
Because it will surely come,
It will not tarry.
– Habakkuk 2:2
A lot of us go through seasons where things are just not going according to plan and you don’t know why. So we question God and we start to compare our seasons with another person, you just can’t understand why everything is going well for Sister A and you’re here struggling. You’re trying to rush God and rush your process, everything has to be perfect now. You don’t want to learn the lesson, you don’t want to enjoy the process and learn the value of what you have worked for. “No, God, it has to be perfect now”.
However, God has made everything beautiful in it’s own time. Like Ecclesiastes says there is a time and season for everything. There is a time to sow and a time to reap.There is a time to get a job, earn money and there is a time to be still before God and learn from Him with no distractions. We have made plans of how our future should look like and the order of events. Graduate, get a job, buy a car, buy a house, start your Master’s, meet that guy, get engaged, get married, have kids, live happily ever after. And when things do not go according to plan… we go into that default of questioning God. Of trying to pick up the pieces of shattered hopes and dreams. Your ego and your pride will not let you accept defeat but you go to church on Sunday to scream “Let Your Will be done!”
We pray dangerous prayers and when God actually starts to put you at your words, Why God?
“More of you and less of me.”
“I surrender my plans and my will.”
“I die to my flesh, Lord.”
“Have your way!”
“Pull me closer, God.”
“I want to know more about You.”
This is me every Sunday. Dangerous Prayers.
“I surrender God.”
And when God takes you at your word…Lord, what are you doing?
This season has been the hardest and the most frustrating one. I blame the prayers.
It has tested my patience, my humility. My ability to be kind, forgiving, peaceful.
It has tested my endurance, even my words and how I react in anger.
I have had to allow myself to disappoint a lot of people and go by the peace/ lack thereof I have been given.
I have made plans and promises that haven’t worked out. It has taught me the meaning of hard work!
This season has taught me more about my identity than any other moments I have been through and I have actually learnt more about myself and whom I belong to in my silent season. I have had to learn to place my plans for my future in God’s hand and just flow with Him. It’s so hard but its so good at the same time.
Silent seasons are not to be avoided, my growth depends on it. My future depends on it, my plans depend on it. I am being stretched to a level I never thought I could reach. Sometimes, it means disappointing some people and things going left but that’s fine.
I don’t need to know everything, I just need to trust God and so do you.